Ask Amy: Codependent mom keeps son through Tupperware

Dear Amy: My stepson, a college instructor, is 33 years old and recently married. He and his mom have always been close to the point of being codependent. I was hoping that when he got married he would start to take responsibility for his life.

Boy, was I wrong. He and his mom share a “secret” checking account. My wife pays for his and his wife’s monthly cellphone bill and she also spends hundreds of dollars on him and his wife each month.

My wife lies to me on a regular basis about money and what she is doing when it comes to her son and his wife. She acknowledges this but does not change. At least one day a week, she gives them leftover food. I suggested that he should return the containers to us to reuse instead of me having to buy more. My wife disagrees.

This leads to two questions. One: If my wife provides leftover food for her son and his wife on a weekly basis, should we expect to get back the container? Two: What can I do to resolve the trust issue that has developed as a result of their relationship? — Forgotten Man

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Let's table the container question and zero in on the alarming issue concerning your finances. Your wife's "secret" checking account is not really a secret, but her financial choices seem to mirror her other choices in which you and her son are concerned.

I’ll lay it out for you. She does not care what you think. Her primary relationship is with her son. The way to resolve the trust between you is for her to be transparent about her finances and for you to accept that you married someone hoping she would change. Couples therapy might not prompt change, but it could be illuminating.

If you want to stay married to her, you’ll have to find a way to accept this situation while detaching from it. You could start with the containers.

Dear Amy: I found a tattoo artist whose work I really admire. She wasn't accepting new clients at the time and recommended another artist at her shop, who has now done a couple of tattoos for me.

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I like my current artist, but the one I was originally interested in does amazing work, and I would still like to get inked by her. Would this lead to hard feelings by my current artist? How can I tell my artist that I want to get work done by her co-worker without ruffling feathers? — Inked

I took your question to my neighborhood "body modification studio" (yes, I have one). The manager generously answered that great studios welcome "collectors" such as yourself who want to be inked by different artists. Both artists should welcome your enthusiasm to build your collection within their studio.

Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

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